BEARDISMS

FOLLICULAR FACTS: IT'S GETTIN' HAIRY

 

Home of the (Facial Hair) Free: It's been more than a century since  a US prez donned facial hair. On March 4, 1913, William Howard Taft and his monstrous 'stache were replaced by the clean-shaven Woodrow Wilson in the nation’s highest office.

 

Make Stache, Not War: In 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt was the first American to win a Nobel Peace Prize, proving mustaches are downright presidential! 

 

Facial Fuel: Beard hair is comprised of protein and fat and relies on Vitamins B5, B3, and B9 to beef up. Chow down on lean meats, nuts, egg yolks, milk, and leafy greens instead.  Bacon salads don't count. 

 

Do the Math: 98% of the brothers on Forbes' Top 100 "Richest" list are clean shaven. 98% of the world's lumberjacks, warriors and badasses have beards.  Just sayin. 

 

Drink Up: A mustache can absorb 20% of its own weight in liquid.

 

BEARD ON, BROTHERS!

Beards, the Fountain of Youth: 90% of men shave once a day. Over a lifetime, that’s five full months of his life spent in front of the mirror if he starts at 14 and lives to 75. Lesson: You get more out of life with a beard.

 

Go Ape Sh*#: According to Reader’s Digest, the average human male has five million follicles—roughly three times as many as the gorilla, but still less than the chimpanzee.

 

Go Fish: The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache in a deck of cards.

 

Baby Faced: King Camp Gillette was the son of a patent agent and a cookbook writer. The traveling salesmen suspected big bucks awaited him in the disposable industry. It took several years to find an engineer to bring to life his sharp-edged steel blades. In 1903, the Gillette Safety Razor Co. brought baby facing to the masses.

 

Save Face: Your average shave steals 20,000 to 25,000 hairs from your face.

 

Get a Room: The average mustached man touches it 760 times a day.

 

KEEP ON ROCKIN' THE NEW BEARD!

 

Draw the Jaw: Dudes are forking over bucks to have their jawlines chiseled with injectables like Restylane. Want to look more like a man? Grow a damn beard.

 

Dam You: For those of you who don’t care for the froth of a fine craft beer washing over your ‘stache, there’s now a “Whisker Dam” to prevent your manhood from drowning. Truth is, if you don’t want your face fuzz drenched in craft beer, we don’t want to know you.

 

Wahl the Line: In 1919, Leo J. Wahl applied for patents on his newly developed electromagnetic hair clipper. It was the first practical clipper with the drive motor in the hand. The rest is history.

 

Watch the Sun, Son: Beards block up to 95 percent of the sun’s UV rays. Your face umbrella can actually help prevent basal-cell carcinomas (the most common form of all cancers). 

 

Mirror Mirror on the Wall: The sun is to blame for up to 90 percent of the visible signs of aging. That means a full, healthy face carpet will keep at least the bottom half of your face in the Fountain of Youth. The rest is up to genetics. And sunscreen.

 

Bash the Rash: The easiest way to rid yourself of razor rash, acne and folliculitis is to stop shaving. 

 

Beard Babies: Studies show ladies dig the length of 10-day-old stubble. Ditch your razor, wait a week and a half, then ask her out again. 

 

Bigger Really is Better: The bigger your beard and stache, the more allergens they’ll trap before those airborne little buggers get into your lungs. So a beard can save you money on antihistamines. 

 

Bring the Barbershop Home: Want to recreate that barbershop hot towel experience the next time you trim up at home? Treat a dry towel with essential oils (or Vicks Vapo Rub), add warm water or nuke, then apply to your face so your whiskers, and pores, get a good whiff.

 

Bay Rum and Done: Do something manly in the kitchen. DIY your own Bay Rum Aftershave by mixing vodka, Jamaican rum, bay leaves and allspice. 

 

MEN NEED A LITTLE MO... 

 

New to the Movember Movement? Prostate cancer is the second most common cancer in men in the US. In 2014, more than 233,000 guys will be diagnosed. Grow a Mo in November. No excuses.

 

Take It To The Testes: Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in young men aged 15 to 35. 8,800 new cases are diagnosed per year. That’s one more reason to #ShavetheDate.

 

Bow to Your Barber: Your barber's the one charged with keeping you high and tight, but back in the day, they blood let, drained boils, removed cysts and yanked teeth. Tip accordingly.

 

Mug Latin: Pseudofolliculitis barbae, in Latin, means razor burn. 

 

Beardy White: Barry White, aka Dr. Love, grew his first full beard at age 13. His voice dropped an octave every year until he turned 20. From a rough ‘hood, at age 17, he and his beard spent four months in jail after stealing $30,000 worth of Cadillac tires.

 

Beat It: We can thank the Beatniks, hippies and the Vietnam War for bringing the beard back in style post Mid Century. 

 

Ancient Egyptians Blinged Their Beards: The hair on their chinny chin chins was often dyed or hennaed and sometimes plaited with interwoven gold thread. That’s one expensive beard braid. 

 

99 Bottles of Beard on the Wall: Each year in Great Britain alone, it's said 93,000 liters of beer are lost in facial hair. We call that the #BeardShare. 

 

Great Danes: Danish Vikings would have a day dedicated to celebrating their beards, often hundreds of times per year. 

 

Mr. Clean: Patio furniture a dirty mess? Shaving cream makes a great spot cleaner. 

 

Pumping Iron:  Mesopotamian civilizations devoted great care to oiling and dressing their beards, using tongs and curling irons to create elaborate ringlets and tiered patterns. 

 

And I-Ran: Almost all the Iranian kings had a beard. In Travels by Adam Olearius, a King of Iran commands his steward's head to be cut off, and on its being brought to him, remarks, "what a pity it was, that a man possessing such fine mustachios, should have been executed.” 

 

EARLY MAN MANSCAPED HIS FACE WITH FLINT AND SEA SHELLS... AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN! 

 

Do You Think I’m Sexy? Darwin did. He thought beards grew as a result of sexual selection: The ladies dig guys with beards. Do the math.

 

To Beard and Protect: Scientists think prehistoric men were bearded for warmth, intimidation and protection from blows to the face. There was also the cave chick factor…

 

The First Barbers Were Egyptians. A society obsessed with cleanliness, entire families shaved their heads. Barbers visited the wealthy. Yes, they had razors: stone, copper, gold… you name it, they shaved with it.

Tax to the Max: In the 1500s, King Henry VIII of England, levied a tax on beards, despite having a spiffy one himself. Like father like daughter, Elizabeth I of England reintroduced the tax. Every scullion and miscreant with two-weeks growth or more had to pay up.

A Token Gesture: We’re not talking Space Invaders and skee ball. Beards ticked off Tsar Peter 1 of Russia. His beard tax ticked off pockets: those that paid the tax had to carry a beard token to prove it. One side of the token declared “the beard is a superfluous burden.” What a miscreant.

 

Be Very Afraid: To be afraid of beards is called Pogonophobic. Put THAT in your crossword puzzle.

 

THE LONGEST LIVING BEARD GOES TO A CANADIAN NAMED SARWAN SINGH. AT 7 FEET 9 INCES, THAT THING WOULD MAKE ONE HELL OF A ROPE. 

Speedy Gonzales: Beard hair is the fastest growing hair on the human body.

 

Grandpa Was a Liar: Sorry, but he was a big fat liar. Shaving doesn’t make your ‘stache or your face fleece grow in thicker or heavier.

 

Would You Pay to Play? Seems you’re nothing but a pansy if you don’t shell out $8,500 for beard implants in Brooklyn.

 

Reverse Bearding: Serpico was filmed in reverse order: Al Pacino began with long hair and a beard. For each scene, his hair and beard were trimmed bit by bit until he became clean-cut.

 

A Castrated Casto? Rumor has it, in the 1960s, the CIA planned to emasculate Fidel Castro by making his trademark beard fall out. One plot considered was dousing his shoes with thallium salts when they were sent out to be shined.

Alexander the Great made his soldiers shave before the battle of Ardela. Why? Have you ever been beard yanked? Not good.

 

Middle Man: In the middle ages, to touch another dude’s man mane was considered offensive and cause for a dynamic duel.

 

Wise Men: Beards have long been considered emblems of wisdom, from philosophy to playwrights. Even Shakespeare's beard could write in iambic pentameter.

 

The Beat of His Own Drum: Frank Beard, ZZ Top’s drummer, is the only sharp dressed man in the band without a beard. 

 

That’s a Yacht: If dudes were to stop shaving entirely, the average guy would grow a beard about 27.5 feet long.

 

Presidential Beards: Abe Lincoln was the first fully-bearded president. The dude was honest. Grew it out after an 11-year-old girl told him a beard would pretty him up for his presidential run.

 

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GIBS Grooming

110 North College Avenue, Suite 2 

Ft. Collins, CO 80524

Phone: 1.844.GIBSMEN (442.7636)

Email: info@gibsgrooming.com

Hello Bearded Fellow, Say Hi!